Virtues-- Patience

Mothers are known for their patience. A mother can endure the un-endurable for her child. A mother can stand tantrums, that would send fathers into a hair-ripping/plucking gall, and still smile about it.

Little monkey had been looking forward to his mum making him a bowl of choco-cream-cornflakes-goo (for want of a better name), since he left for school. The thought of the delicious cocoa concoction melting on his tongue and sending him into a tizzy kept him going the whole day, and now that he was home, NOTHING could come between him and the bowl of the astoundingly unhealthy preparation that he knew mummy monkey would have ready for him to gobble down. By the time he parked his bi-cycle in the garage he was as ravenous as ravens can be (for those going "HUH?", get used to it, will you?). He BURST through the living room door, flinging his backpack on the sofa. He raced from room to room calling out to mother-monkey. She finally emerged from one of the rooms. By now Little monkey was bobbing around like Jay Leno's head. "MOOOOMMM, I'M READDDYYYYYYY TO EEAAAAT", he YELLED. "First go and have a wash. Then you'll enjoy your food even more", replied Mother Monkey. "BUT MOOOMMMM....", he complained, but stopped short because he knew she was right. So off he went to the bathroom, with cleaning-up being the last thing on his mind. He was out in 43.75 seconds and saw mommy standing in the doorway with a gentle smile on her face. As he moved closer he saw that she was holding out something to him. He felt a tumult of emotions. He thought to himself, "OHHH BOY OH BOY, THERE IT IS.....YA-FREAKING-HOOOOO.......OH BOY AM I GONNA HAVE FUN EATING THIS..........BANANA...........er.......BANANA???". "BUT MOM, I thought you were going to make me a bowl of choco-cream-cornflakes", protested little monkey. "Little Monkey, bananas are good for you. Bananas are what we all eat", said Mother Monkey, peeling the banana for Little monkey to eat, but little monkey reacted angrily retorting, "I WON'T EAT THIS BANANA!!!". Mother Monkey tried to explain just how GOOD a banana is for little monkeys, but Little Monkey was in no mood to listen. He felt cheated, robbed, beguiled, bilked, conned, scammed, swindled, hoodwinked (Thank you, Roget. that'll be all). Mother monkey stood there in front of him, coaxing the Little capuchin monkey to eat the banana.

"C'mon, Little monkey, eat it sweetie"

"NO, I WON'T"

"C'mon, baba"

"NOPE"

"pllleeaaassee" (still smiling)

"NIET"

"aaww...my DAAARRLING sonnyy....I KNOW you'll eat it"

"NEIN"

....after a minute of this Little Monkey sat in a corner, sulking with banana paste smeared ALL OVER his face.

Sigh...Mothers are known for their patience. A mother can endure the un-endurable for her child...

The Romantic Moon

Having a bad day?

Feeling a bit low?

Did SOMEBODY spoil your mood?

Just had your larynx operated on?

Suffering from constipation?

We've got JUST what you need. Dial The Monk's number now and be pleasantly surprised. Call now


*offer valid till the end of this month
**conditions apply: you have to KNOW me to call me.

In case you're wondering what exactly I'm blabbering about, it's my caller tune. Why, oh WHY do service providers take it upon themselves to provide us with a NONSENSICAL service that serves NO purpose WHATSOEVER in a sane person's life? AND THEY CHARGED ME 30 BUCKS FOR THE FREAKING SONG THAT I DIDN'T EVEN CHOOSE!!!.....They're lucky this is not america, otherwise I'd have sued their butts to bankruptcy.
Oh well, since I have it why not have fun with and, and let people who KNOW me have fun hearing it, for, IF there is ANY song that describes a person who is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of THE MONK, it is THIS song....Thank you Airtel

PS:-by the way, Mayank means 'Moon' in sanskrit.....so maybe THEY know something about me that I don't

PPS:- this post will self destruct on the 1st of next month as it'll be QUITE meaningless(not that my other posts are meaningful) without the caller tune which I'll be losing PRONTO.....SO CALL NOW

A day in the life of a certain Mr.Em Pee

Who knew that the simple practice of clearing your bowels could pay dividends you had never imagined.....

Friday, 24th April2009
8:43 AM : I open my eyes, glance at my watch through the white haze clouding my vision and realise that I have precisely 2 minutes to get out of bed, get ready (i.e. brush my teeth, take a HUGE dump and bathe) and get my butt to the bus-stop. So I promptly go back to sleep, THUS missing the bus for the 27th straight day (I REALLY don't know why I haven't got my bus-pass canceled yet) .

10:45 AM: I finally, with a considerable amount of difficulty, lumber out of bed. It's a BRIGHT, sunny day outside and our "penthouse" is QUITE warm and stuffy despite the HUGE window being fully open......why does the fan look to my warped mind like one of those turkish sufi saints who wear long skirts and spin in circles with their arms raised?...hmmm....I think it's high time I removed that cloth sticking to the fan blade, lest I think, in ALL my warped-ness (??), that it's Marilyn Monroe striking that famous pose of hers....
I feel lousy (No, feeling lousy does NOT mean that you feel like a louse, which WOULD in fact have been appropriate, given the fact that I live in a sty. Thank god my surname isn't Swain (non-oriyas, don't even TRY to understand that one)---> I think my bracket-tourette is acting up again).
I find myself in a dilemma. Do I go to office and risk spoiling my weekend or do I take the day off to rest and recuperate? (If I may digress from this nonsensical story at this point,it might be of interest to the reader to know that the chances of my choosing work over a day off are SLIM to say the least. Kenya would have a better chance of winning the next cricket world cup). Without sparing as much as a second thought I fall back on my bed and moan myself to sleep (You'll be surprised how effective moaning can be in making you feel sick....I'd better get that published in some medical journal).

12:00 PM (that's mid-day and not midnight, for those thinking "he slept for 13 more hours????"): I'm woken up by 2 pigeons (most probably laila and majnu) doing the waltz on the tin plate jutting out over the window (that is supposed to block the sunlight)....bloody buggers, rubbing in the fact that I'm still single. Realising that I've slept for close to 13 Hrs, I feel even sicker now. I feel my neck, it's warm and wet.....wait a doggone minute....WET??...hmm...so I've drooled in my sleep. For the benefit of those don't know me or have never seen me sleeping while I'm sick, I drool in my sleep when I'm unwell.
Since I like ogling at that SERIOUSLY hot newsreader and also hearing the day's happenings and goings on, I switch on the TV and watch my FAVOURITE channel........cartoon network. I feel cold and my throat hurts when I swallow. Maybe I'm coming down with a flu or something. I lie down in the "GP position" (named after my illustrious uncle who, despite being a TAD overweight, manages to contort his body into gravity defying positions.....IN his sleep).

12:15 PM: No sooner have I made myself comfy on my bed, than I feel poopy.......darn. So I head for bog-land, towel in one hand, novel in the other. Those who've never been to my house, there's a window in my loo that looks out onto the floor below. You can see the staircase and the elevator and since there lives QUITE an attractive lady (the word I REALLY wanted to use here was nubile) on the floor below (SIGH!!!), I've made it a habit to peer through the window once, in the hope of catching even a fleeting glimpse of her. I'm not surprised to see two girls, aged around 20, one in a jeans n t-shirt and the other in a salwar-suit, sitting on the steps. I have seen them many times before. Surely they must be doing what ALL us ignoramuses think girls do, GOSSIP. I keep staring, be it out of curiosity or out of boredom or sheer bad manners (a DISTINCT possibility). I'm not surprised when the girl in the tees puts her arm around the other girl's shoulders....."maybe they're making up after a fight", I think to myself. I'm not surprised when Ms.Jeans pecks the other girl on her left cheek (aaaawww...this girl is going the extra mile to patch things up with the other girl).....other girls OUGHT to take a cue from these two. Twenty-nothing and showing SUCH a high degree of maturity. I'm close to tears on watching this display of friendship...BRAVO girls, BRAVO. Ms.tees' persistence pays off. Ms.Salwar turns her head towards her and kisses her on the lips....aaaawwww........er........WOAH..."did I see what I think I saw????"....So I wait and watch.....they just sit there, staring ahead.........5 seconds go by...nothing.....20 seconds......50 seconds...............and then...............HOLY F***ING S**T......LESBOS. Having forgotten all about my reason for visiting the loo, I grip the window sil to keep from falling into the commode. The two get up and move to a more secluded spot. Luckily I can still see them. Ms.Jeans pins Ms.Salwar against the wall and proceeds to..................*CENSORED*...................sorry peeps, I'm not here to write an adult novel, but suffice it to say that now I know why Jeff,Steve and Patrick (of 'coupling' fame) are crazy about lesbos............
As this is going on I rush into my room, grab my cellphone and proceed to capture "EVERYTHING" on camera. A good 10-15 minutes later I return to my room, a smug expression on my face, my towel around my neck, novel in one hand and my cellphone in the other. I feel markedly better now.

1:00 PM-8:00PM: I spend the next few hours gloating to my friends about what I saw in the afternoon. Half of them rubbish my claims outright, half of them DEMAND (threaten even) to see the video clip.

11:45 PM: One of the MOST interesting days in my tenure in this city comes to an end. I feel like Rick Blaine....maybe it's because, in THIS matter I can never do what I really want to. So here's the Humphery Bogart in me speaking to those two girls, "We'll always have the 24th of april '09". I get ready for bed. I get under the covers and stare at the cloth sticking to the fan blade. I smile and say, "Goodnight Marilyn"
.............................

11:50 PM: I wake with a start and rush to the loo.....darn those girls

-----------------------------------------finito----------------------------------------------

a Tummy Tale

haven't posted anything in a long time, so to break the silence here's one of B dada's lesser known limericks that had me (as well as my pants.....if this were a movie, with Himesh Reshammiya in the lead (minus his cap of course) it would be an opportune moment for the music director, who would happen to be Anu Malik, to insert "oops! i did it again" as the background score...............sheesh, does anybody even LISTEN to such trash anymore??........I just love brackets and pauses as you might have noticed.........by the time you reach the end of one of my indecipherable sentences you'll no longer remember what it was about) in splits ---
I sat next to the duchess at tea
A place where I'll never again be
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal
And everybody thought it was me!!

Mindless Blabbering Part 1

THE PURSUIT OF RATA-TOOEEN

Wednesday,16th july 2008
5:20:57 PM (IST)--
this part of my life...er...post is called revelation--I'm not good at keeping promises...NO SH**, you might say...,but NO, I'm serious....as serious as a fart in a closed,crowded elevator (my sister's friends are CONVINCED that I've done a phd in fartology.....I wonder why), as serious and grim as you would try to be in a "you-cant-make-me-smile" contest....this is unacceptable (more "unacceptable" than Tom Hanks was according to Stanley Tucci in "The Terminal") ....

this part is introspection-- I haven't been keeping the promises I made in my blog opener ,or as in my case, the "BOG" opener, which is just an euphemism for what I did with that first post....open the door to a stinky loo (there I go again!!....I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired with myself).
I haven't been STEALING stuff, like i promised (plagiarising, that's the word I used).
In a mail I sent out to ppl I said this would be "your daily dose of BS"....of which there hasn't been much :- ....I'm SO SORRY for not having been able to provide you with enough bovine crap (though there's no dearth of bovine intellect). This is FAR from the YOGI-BEAR blog I expected to write....and it is certainly not for want of trying. I just happened to read a friend's blog and before I reached the end of the 1st post I knew something was wrong....it was like something had gone "WHOOMP" in my head....and just like that I had contracted the deadly, unforgiving,CRUEL disease---PSEUDO-WRITER'S BLOCK. therapists say one way to overcome this illness is to write whatever that comes to mind, but i doubt that'll work for me, for I spent all afternoon listening to "BadgerBadgerBadger" and now all that comes to mind is "badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom.....oh snake snake....oh its a snake"....that's not going to help much, is it?!......The say lack of inspiration might also be a reason, but I've got PLENTY of people around me at whom I can take a dig....(ok, THIS part of my post is called....BEING MEAN)I mean, how can I NOT poke fun at this girl in my Japanese class who let one rip (YIKES....SOMEBODY STOP ME!!) when the class was UNUSUALLY quiet. I could see the grim determination on her (Ms.M) face as she sat there with "clenched"...er.....er...._____, determined not to let out the dreaded "hoot" .......I could see sweat droplets form on her forehead, as she gave it her all.....I could almost hear her shout "FFRREEEEDDDDOOOMMMM"(a-la William Wallace)...on raged the battle for a good 5-10 mins during which there was much gnashing of teeth and clenching of fists and other parts of the body. But just as suddenly and fiercely as "it" had attacked, it left......she could hardly believe it , and my happiness knew no bounds ( for i was sitting RIGHT behind her diagonally to the right).....so you thought she'd beaten NATURE?!!....you LLIIAAR......I remember hearing a "squeak"(a ratatouille-esque squeak at that. Does THIS explain the title of the post?), which couldn't have been shoe-on-floor 'cause it's a carpeted room that we have our jap class in, and then my world went BLACK. I came to pretty soon, saw the look on her face (which was one of abject mortification) and doddered away to the back row gasping for breath. As i sat there regaining my composure, I PROMISED myself I wouldn't write or tell anyone about this. BUT I'M SORRY, THIS FIENDISH DISEASE MADE ME BREAK ANOTHER PROMISE.


We interrupt this post to bring you a message from the writer of this post----"Dear gullible readers, I would like nothing better than to continue beguiling you into wasting your time reading THIS, but I better end this monstrosity that's trying to morph itself into a blog before it destroys ME"


now back to our post---Mindless Blabbering part 1

This part of my post, this TINY part right here.....is called a STATUTORY HEALTH WARNING which I'm now obliged to give in every post following a directive from the U.N.D.I.E.S-United Nations Developing India's Economy Society, which for some reason thinks that such blogs can hamper India's economic growth.......so here i end this madness with a stupid little advisory--

Reading Mayank's blog is injurious to health. If u feel a sudden urge to rip your (or somebody else's) hair out (from the upper cranial portion of the anatomical structure, of course........ouch!!) then STOP reading IMMEDIATELY and let out a GOOD, LONG yell to release the frustration as prolonged exposure to THIS can result in extensive hair loss and mental trauma (which can be attributed to my not knowing the first thing about blogging)


ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:
I sincerely thank P-cube for UNSELFISHLY lending her time and thoughts to the naming of this post, my team mates for dumping work as high as a pile of brontosaurus poo on me and then going around doing NOTHING themselves, thus contributing towards total annihilation of my will to work.
Lastly i would like to thank the girl who unwittingly made this post possible by parting with...er....a milligram or two of methane. 'M', if it weren't for that rancid bubble (thank you Sacha, for that WONDERFUL acceptance speech), people wouldn't be reading this today. Keep up, i mean keep letting out the good work.

Deja-vu

Did Bill Watterson somehow see the future??.....there are 2 ppl who'll understand why i'm posting this.
Sometimes in ur life, you meet someone or something with whom/which you bond INSTANTLY. You are ready to do whatever it takes to ensure that things turn out right.....u wish for things to BECOME right with every fibre of your being.
I met my "little racoon" (a little mongoose) in the winter of 2001...and the similarities between Calvin's story and mine are just TOO uncanny. I found him when I was playing with julie in our courtyard. Like Calvin, I put him in a shoe box and tried feeding him (but to no avail). By the 2nd day, he recognised my touch......Though he had grown really weak, I started thinking of the times that lay ahead...him by my side, hale and hearty, sitting on my shoulder, nibbling on my ear, getting on julie and comet's nerves :)
He died the next day......Like Calvin, it tore me up, primarily because it was my fault that he died (i...er....overfed him)

maybe it was a test that i was put through, to see how i handle the sudden passing of someone (or someTHING) I really care about........I think i scored a D

Like calvin, I'm glad i met the little thing..........................he's still there inside me.

HAPPY B'DAY COMET

My Dear White Lightning,
so, u finally turn 21( in dog years), eh?....the next time im in bbsr maybe we can have a beer together :P....... As i sit at my desk pretending to work, my mind wanders to that stormy night in June 2005 when your mummy suddenly went into labour. i vividly remember the look of terror and anxiety on my mother's face when she hollered out to me that julie's water had broken.....by the time i reached her misty (Julie Jr) was already out and julie was licking her clean...then as i took your TINY little sister in my hands and and picked up a cloth to wipe her, i was greeted by the LOUDEST, SHRILLEST yelp i have ever heard....the thought that crossed my mind at that moment was, "er....where did THAT come from???...does it mean misty ain't the first one!!!"....and thus started my frantic yet cautious(oxymoronic, eh?) search for the source of the sound in the bundle of cloth that we'd placed beside jules. And there you were, my tiny dumbo, as pink as a baby's lips, as tiny as my thumb, YELPING at the top of ur TINY lungs, letting the world know that u'd arrived .....i held u up, stroked ur pea sized head (:P) and decided then and there that YOU were the one I would keep......you would be our COMET, the devil in an angel's gown.
you and julie have given me IMMENSE joy and memories that will stay with me forEVER. u 2 have lit up my life like 2 candles in a dark room.
i wish u 2 LONG, HEALTHY, HAPPY and NAUGHTY lives
HAPPY BIRTHDAY COMET
Love,
The Monk